ITS URANUS
IT TAINT THIS, IT TAINT THAT
There existed a side of Uranus that no one had ever seen. Maybe it was because this dark side was occasionally consumed with an intense odor that made it difficult for ordinary humans to breathe the rancid air.
On Uranus’ dark side, situated between a candy store and a waste processing plant, lay a country called Perineum, often called “the taint.” The taint, because of it fraught location, was the butt of many celestial joke, because it taint this and it taint that.
The perineum was in danger of being wiped off the face of the earth and flushed down the royal pipes of the universe. Something needed to be done and done soon. How long the perineum could hold back the massive flood of undesirable possibilities was doubtful. Once the flood began, it would take the full force of the protective services, called the sphincters, to control the flow of deplorables.
Things were getting out of hand, reaching a crescendo of wasted effort, so the people of the perineum decided it was time to elect a new leader. After much concentration and concerted effort, the people of the taint elected one whom they had initially ridiculed, a joke of a being whom everyone loved to hate. His name is Dlanod, meaning “The Bald one with funny fake hair.”
No one else wanted the job, so despite massive misgivings, they elected The Dlanod. They figured that the taint was so strong that despite numerous attempts to wipe it out of the universe, it could withstand any assault on it. Its delicate position between the store and the waste processing plant meant it could not be wiped away without a trace. The Taint had historically withstood numerous attempts to rub it out. All those efforts failed because the Taint had staying power and marked everything that came into contact with it.
The people of the taint failed to realize how much resentment and hatred had accumulated inside The Dlanod until it permeated everything around him, bubbling just slightly beneath the surface and burning inside the one who harbors rancid thoughts of wiping the taint from the face of Uranus to revenge the cosmic years of being made fun of and dismissed as a joke. All those cosmic years of self-promotion for nought had predisposed him to seek revenge against all who had failed to realize the fiber he injected into the system to keep things moving and running smoothly.
“I will destroy you from within,” he mused to himself. “I shall use your institutions, your laws and regulations against you. I shall select only the most incompetent people for my administration. I shall set them free to back up everything between the taint within Uranus. The people won’t know what hit them. Then it will be over, and I shall warm my hands before the burning coals of a great place in Uranus and the taint. That will teach them to hurl their contempt into my Pmurt.
And that’s what happened. It didn’t take long; the complete collapse of Uranus was accomplished in less than 100 days! During that time, the perineum’s once robust markets fell, the taint, once respected and feared over the entire Uranus, became instead hated and ridiculed for being so knackered that it chose to cast its fate to demonstrably incompetent hands.
Why did they not see he held them in complete contempt, and that his loyalty lay elsewhere across the universe, with Uranus’s enemy, Nitup? Nitup, like Nikita before him, had sworn that his place in Uranus would destroy the Perineum and wipe it from the face of the universe.
The people of the Taint didn’t realize until it was too late to stop the Dlanod from destroying them from within. It’s not that they were not repeatedly warned, but they stubbornly refused to see the tragic travesty staring them in the face, like so many fallen nations throughout history.
Finally, when the Taint had fallen under the sway of The Dlanod, every country on Uranus began to believe that they could lick Perineum because it had gotten so weak and reactive that the whole country was suffering from an inferiority complex and unable to defend itself.